Belonging to a room

My fear of public speaking goes back to 8th grade.  We were tasked with doing a research project over the semester and presenting both a written report and orally to the class.  My sexy topic was the Electoral College.  I didn't really prepare much for the presentation, though I'm sure the report was pretty well written for an 8th grader.  In fact, I'm sure I didn't even practice it more than once in the mirror.

It went badly.  I remember reading awkwardly off of note cards, rushing through it, and being very disappointed with the grade that came later.

In middle school, no one really feels like they belong--I was no exception.  And in fact, until recent years, probably starting in college, I never really felt like I belonged anywhere.  That's when I found that I was pretty good at chemical engineering.  And I liked it.  A lot.

Recently I reflected on why I so hate to speak in public.  I was in the shower.  It was a couple days after I had given a toast as the best man at a beautiful wedding, where I knew a lot of friends.  Of any place to feel as though I belonged, it was that place.  More than anyone else, at any wedding, other than the bride, groom, and their families, the best man and maid of honor belong.

The realization came afterwards of course.  The toast went as well as it was going to, given my confidence at the time (0).

But it made me think that belonging, for me at least, is a huge component to any social situation, and much more for public speaking.  In order to address a group, of course it behooves you to feel as though you belong--as though you have something legitimate to contribute to the conversation (even if it's one way).

In contrast, I have much less trepidation about my role this fall as a part-time lecturer at a local college.

This is crazy.  I never went into academia because I wanted to teach--in fact, I went in denying that I would ever do such a thing unless it were after a long career in R&D doing pharmaceutical development (still my dream).  But here I am, ready to teach a course to sophomore students.

Last night was the first lecture.  Both professor and students belonged in the room.  It went as well as could be expected.  Truth be told, I'm really excited to explore this course with my students (if I can kill my 'ums')--my first impression is very good (they have very good taste in literature).