Wednesday, July 22, 2026

2026: the year of racing

When Paula and I were talking about what 2026 was going to look like for our family I mentioned I was interested in entering some running races. My running has been very consistent since March 2025 due to running over lunchtime with colleagues (making up the hours at night when Anja is in bed), giving me a solid aerobic base to work from. The consistency is different than how I've trained for races in the past - it was usually a sort of 3-4 month effort culminating in a race, then nothing until the next time. Over the last year or so I've felt consistently race-ready, at least for my modest fitness.

So of course, Paula suggests 1 race per month and ups the ante immediately!

We decide to do it. It takes two.

Race 1 (Jan) - Detroit Auto Show 5K

Paula, Dad Manni, and I schlep down to Detroit, leaving Anja with Mom Manni in Canton. My goal is to get close to or under 22 minutes. It's been since 2020 that I've attempted an all-out effort in the 5K and this is the year I believe I can do it. The weather is cold, blowy, and snowy and the course pavement has not been fully plowed. But I gutted it out and did 22:16.33! This is a race in January and the field reflects it - I place 1st in my age group and am feeling good that I'll get under 22 minutes this year.

Race 2 (Feb) - Zeeland Couple Shuffle 5K

Paula, Anja, and I head to Helder Park on the coldest February morning of the year (-15F). We are BUNDLED and the finish line snacks are FROZEN - waters are ice and tangerines are icegerines. The course is not cleared and I immediately note this will not be a PB. We take off and I'm in the front of the race. I look back to let people pass me on the single track made by people's footprints from walking in the foot-deep snow. No one is interested. So, I quickly but gingerly run along this path, not breaking my ankles, until the path opens up and is paved for the second half of the course. No one passes me. No one is close. I hold on and continue to not break my ankles and win the dang race in 23:50! I have no business winning races. But again, the field on a frigid February Sunday morning is small.

Race 3 (Mar) - 5K Green Run - Riverbend Park

Anja and I are in Florida visiting my parents, so Dad takes me down to Jupiter leaving Anja with Mom back at Nettles Island. It's a solid hour drive down so an early morning to get there for the 7:30am start. I'm a little nervous but think under 22 is on the table. I've started to come down with a cough, but my lungs feel pretty solid. Definitely up in the air but I decide to go for it. My mile splits are 6:57, 7:00, 7:00, and 6:20 for the last 0.1K. An older guy - ultra runner - pulls me through the whole race. I just spend time chasing him, hang on, and pass him just before the end (with his blessing). And in turn, I'm passed by the guy who had apparently been chasing/stalking me - but he's in my age group and edges me by 0.99 seconds! Either way I'm stoked to get second in the age group and finally get under 22 minutes (21:42.61)!!!!!

Race 4 (Apr) - Barry Roubaix 36 mile Thriller

The dirty gravel bike race! And I didn't really train on bikes other than doing some mountain biking during spring break in Bentonville. So, understand that my butt was HURTING by the end of it. I was standing up during every downhill. This race was fun! I went down to Hastings with Jonathan and Eric, and we had a nice morning. It was wet enough to keep the sand firm but not too wet to make the roads treacherous. BRX26 also answered the question: how well does running fitness convert to cycling? Not very well. My lungs weren't super challenged but the power from my legs was lacking. Good to learn. It was a solid effort but very middle of the pack result (2:34:29). Very happy with that for my first cycling race.

Race 5 (May) - Tulip Time 10K

Trying to build on a fun 10K last year with my brother in Kalamazoo my goal was to pace under 7:30/mi. It was a chilly morning - in the 30s F. So actually, pretty perfect for a race. Nothing fancy, just nailed each 3.1mi lap at 7:19/mi and had a nice race (45:22.72). Just off the podium but felt good the whole race. It was a nice test to see where I was at. Podium is definitely within reach.

Race 6a & 6b (Jun) - Grand Explorers 5K and Zeeland Zoom 5K

Ran each of these with our friends and their kids. We each ran with a kid - I was lucky to chaperone A to victory! In the GE5K we took third in the podium for the girls U14 and in the ZZ5K we took first in the podium for the girls U9! Super fun and really well-run races to enjoy at a more comfortable pace. Especially fun to see a young runner smoke the races out of the park!

Race 7 (Jul) - the Cross Country Team Challenge 5K - Richmond Park

Before: running a coed team race tonight! Some racers on our team are already down for the count (Kuba is SICK) and it's going to be warm. Excited. Hopefully my day of loose stool yesterday won't harm my attempt to PB.

After: it was a tough one with a strong field. I hadn't run on grass before and the hill was BIG. So didn't get the PR but ran a decent 22:22.6 (pace 7:12/mi). Very fun to run with our group. Andrew and I set out together, but he outpaced me pretty quickly. I caught back up a bit over the hill. No impacts felt from the "day of loose stool". I will need to build in some speed work and hills if I want to get back under 22 minutes. No big deal.

 Race 8 (Aug) - TBD

We're having a baby, so we'll see what actually happens.

Race 9 (Sep) - TBD


Race 10 (Oct) - TBD


Race 11 (Nov) - TBD


Race 12 (Dec) - TBD


Racing season thoughts:

Looking to make some changes for 2027. I don't feel the need to do a race each month but do want to pick some fun ones and do a little more structured preparation for them.

1. Winter 5K, Jan-Mar: 1 race for the chance to run hard without doing too much prep. Enjoy the light field coming out of winter.

2. Barry Roubaix bike race, Apr: spend some time in the winter building power in my legs and trying to match my cardio capabilities with my legs and see if I can move up from the middle of the pack with some more time in the seat and using the new power meter on the trainer in my shop.

3. Tulip Time or other May 5K: build some speed in while it's still cool and nice weather to run.

4. Summer months, Jun-Aug: run races with kids or just for fun if they come up. Don't worry about speed.

5. Oct race (5K, 10K, or half marathon): start building some speed as the weather cools and run hard in October. Preference toward half marathon.

6. Turkey Trot, Nov: most likely Zeeland. Do some intervals and hills to prepare.

7. Enjoy the winter training block.

Monday, July 13, 2026

Training with a power meter

 I love fitness data. It motivates me.

Arguably, having a Forerunner 45 watch got me into running and kept me running. I still love to pore over the stats after each run over 6 years later - now on my Forerunner 745 - 3 to 4 times per week. During each run I set an internal, nebulous pace/strain level and go mostly by feel. Afterwards the data gives me the immediate feedback of how my heartrate and pace baseline changes over time, with the weather, periods of more/less training, and in the moment of each individual run. It helps me gauge how my body feels compared to measured data from the watch that I can review over time. The 7-day load range also keeps me honest as a bulk measure of my weekly effort and I LOVE to keep in the green.

For cycling, the 45/745 are also great tools especially when coupled with a cadence and speed sensor (more for indoor riding on the trainer), but to really dive in deeply and train with more purpose and direction you're talking about adding a power meter to your bag of tools.

Recently I received a power meter for Father's Day - the Favero Assioma MX-1 (left pedal only; a very affordable and quality piece of equipment - but still close to $450 with tariff and charger). It was great fun to take it out last week on a short ride at a very simple but fun local 2-mi MTB trail. But reviewing that kind of data, devoid of context and baseline really isn't why I wanted this thing.

I pedaled my first bike race this spring - the Barry Roubaix (BRX) 2026 36mi course in April. It was an interesting test to see how running fitness would translate to cycling fitness, not having spent much time training on the bike. My main discovery was that my cardiovascular fitness was far greater than what the muscles in my legs were able to harness to deliver speed (and power):

In the BRX race I placed 776/1796 overall (top 43%) and 70/147 M34-38 (top 48%) - definition of middle of the pack.

In 2026 spring (Mar-May) running races I'm closer to top 7%/14% (overall/age group) in 10km and 3%/14-22% (overall/age group) in 5km. Based on 750 miles running since August 2025 compared to 220 miles cycling.

That's where power data comes in - establishing an intuitive baseline for cycling efforts that connects to my heartrate and the feel of my muscles. And then improve my baseline over time!

I didn't really want to add more bulky, expensive, one-use equipment to the household. And I'm very happy to do some mental work and create a less sophisticated training system than pay the big bucks for a complex machine when I can get 80% of the way there in a cruder fashion:

  1. 1. Buy a power meter to swap between my bikes: MTB, gravel/road, and the simple+cheap resistance trainer that I already have (CycleOps Fluid2).

  2. 2. Start using the power meter on rides and just review the data afterwards - just for curiosity.

  3. 3. Build a series of power curves on the trainer - cadence and gearing vs power!

  4. 4. Use the power curves to train at different power thresholds for short/long periods to improve my baseline fitness and understand how that power feels to my muscles and cardiovascular system. Be my own personal Peloton/Wahoo/smart trainer control.
So far #1 and 2 have been the easy part. You just need to have the right hex keys, wrenches, and grease to smoothly swap the MX-1 pedal between bikes (I'm using a torque wrench to protect the pedal installation too, because I already had one for my car's oil drain plug).

I have the trainer set up the shop - just need to make the time to inflate tires to a consistent pressure and get pedaling to generate the baseline.

Initial plan for gathering data:
  1. 1. Gear configuration (input)
  2. 2. Cadence (60, 80, 100 rpm; input)
  3. 3. Tire pressure (90 psi every time; assumption)
  4. 4. 5-minute average power (primary output - function of the equipment setup)
  5. 5. 5-minute average heartrate (secondary output - changes with fitness)
  6. 6. 5-minute maximum heartrate (tertiary output - changes with fitness)
Parts 1-4 create the curves and parts 5-6 track fitness over time.

And as a final nerding out - compare to the Fluid2 published curves:

https://www.cycle-ops.com/graph.jpg


https://www.timslife.com/imgsbike/trainer/cyfl2ch2.jpg

 More to come!

Wednesday, July 01, 2026

Fitness equipment prioritization

 I really love gear. But I get way too into it and find it easy to lose the thread and actually get out there to enjoy the bike or run.

Realistically you need 1. a pair of good shoes (running and cycling), 2. a bike that you like to ride with comfortable helmet, and 3. the time set aside to run and cycle safely.

From there, my prioritization goes in tiers. And my ownership is in bold.

A - Basic clothes

  1. Clothes to make running comfortable
    1. Shorts
    2. Jogger pants
    3. Short and long-sleeve shirts that wick moisture
    4. Socks that wick moisture
    5. Gloves and ear warmers
    6. Cold weather layers
    7. Belt for water and food (10+ miles / 16+ km)

  2. Clothes to make cycling comfortable
    1. Water bottles and holders
    2. Socks that wick moisture
    3. Basic tools and spares
    4. Warm weather bib / shorts
    5. Warm weather shirt with back pockets
    6. Gloves and ear warmers
    7. Warm jacket
    8. Cold weather bib / pants

B - Basic data and safety for cycling
  1. Running watch that can measure heart rate and pair with cycling sensors
  2. Front and rear lights for cycling
  3. Hydration pack for cycling
  4. Advanced tools and spares for cycling repair
  5. Bell
  6. Speed and cadence sensors for cycling
  7. Smart phone holder - careful how you use this as it could damage your phone. A cycling computer will be hardier and likely a cheaper investment compared to breaking your phone.
C - Advanced data and safety for cycling
  1. Power meter for cycling pedals (simplex) - Favero Assioma PRO MX-1, $500
  2. Heart rate monitor (improved accuracy and dynamics) - Garmin HRM-Pro Plus, $129.99
  3. Cycling computer / bike radar - Garmin Edge ####, $200-700
  4. Bike radar / cycling computer - Garmin Varia ####, $100-400
  5. Power meter for cycling pedals (duplex upgrade) - Favero Assioma PRO MX-1 upgrade, $500
  6. Power meter for cycling pedals (duplex outright) - Favero Assioma PRO MX-2, $850

Monday, April 03, 2023

Book review - Sex, Gender, and Engineering: Harassment at Work and in School

 Amazon Review: Thorough coverage and filled with first-hand accounts - 

This tremendous and comprehensive text breaks down the language and impacts of sexual harassment in a meaningful and digestible fashion. Van Antwerp and Wilson delve into what's known about sexual and gender harassment from the literature and point out where work has yet to be done. The book is widely researched including both academic and workplace data and makes helpful distinctions between the two. For those of us who have not studied this area closely, they describe and modify several classic models including learning transfer, stress, and sexual harassment as it pertains to job satisfaction & its antecedents and impacts. This book is invaluable to me as an at-times college instructor and full-time manager of engineers - the differing landscapes are well characterized.

Finally this work attends to solutions and the future in very practical ways. The authors dig into effective learning transfer strategies, different training methodologies and approaches, and expound on the nature and value of bystander training and activism within the specific context of heavily systemized engineering spaces.

I have come away with discussions and ideas to implement with my team, concepts and training improvements to discuss with site leadership, and a better understanding of the importance of cultivating a culture that engenders solidarity with all workers - even a better understanding of my workplace.

Saturday, June 20, 2020

The stress tensor

It's a tricky bit of business--something I (shamefully) never fully understood in graduate school. That always bothered me.

Continuum mechanics is wonderful. There, I said it, and now we can move on.

Ok, so the stress tensor.

It is like a vector, but not really. It's bigger than that. In reality, a scalar (such as temperature) is a zeroth order tensor. It only has a value. You can still have scalar fields (temperatures at given points), but they don't have direction. They just are, in the place where they are.

A vector on the other hand, like wind velocity, has direction and a magnitude (size or length) at some location. Therefore wind velocity can be described as a vector field. At each point you have a direction and magnitude (length) of velocity--speed is the magnitude of the velocity vector (how long it is, regardless of direction). A vector is a first order tensor.

Tensors (they can be anything second order and above), are a bit different. Some say they have two directions, and lack an intuitive sense. I prefer to think of one of the directions as the plane of a cube. As far as physical intuitive relationships go this works, because you can think of each dimension in space (x, y, and z or i, j, and k) as having a vector associated with it. Consider the cube. You can push on the cube on three different sets of opposite faces. Each face has one resultant vector applied (perhaps a force vector), and if the forces are equal and opposite, the resultant force vector on that face is zero.

This idea of tensors is commonly applied by chemical engineers with respect to the stress tensor. It describes an infinitely small fluid element in equilibrium. Think a tiny smidge (cube) of water in a pipe flow--it can be any bit of water (fluid) anywhere.
Components stress tensor cartesian

The little cube will have forces acting:
normal (perpendicular, like a bottle standing on a table, putting a bit of weight on the table) to its faces (hydrostatic stress terms),
and it may have some forces that act on the sides in parallel directions (picture placing your hand flat on top of a slinky and moving it in a parallel direction to the ground as the bottom remains in place) to the sides / faces (shear stress terms) of the cube.
Uni-axial terms (contribute to Hydrostatic stress): Ïƒ11, σ22, and σ33
Hydrostatic stress = (σ11 + σ22 + σ33) / 3 = σh
 {\displaystyle \sigma _{h}=\displaystyle \sum _{i=1}^{n}\rho _{i}gh_{i}}
Shear stress terms: σ12, σ13, σ21, σ23, σ31, and σ32

Stress terms in the full tensor, using matrix notation:
{\boldsymbol  {\sigma }}=\left[{{\begin{matrix}\sigma _{{11}}&\sigma _{{12}}&\sigma _{{13}}\\\sigma _{{21}}&\sigma _{{22}}&\sigma _{{23}}\\\sigma _{{31}}&\sigma _{{32}}&\sigma _{{33}}\\\end{matrix}}}\right]\equiv \left[{{\begin{matrix}\sigma _{{xx}}&\sigma _{{xy}}&\sigma _{{xz}}\\\sigma _{{yx}}&\sigma _{{yy}}&\sigma _{{yz}}\\\sigma _{{zx}}&\sigma _{{zy}}&\sigma _{{zz}}\\\end{matrix}}}\right]\equiv \left[{{\begin{matrix}\sigma _{x}&\tau _{{xy}}&\tau _{{xz}}\\\tau _{{yx}}&\sigma _{y}&\tau _{{yz}}\\\tau _{{zx}}&\tau _{{zy}}&\sigma _{z}\\\end{matrix}}}\right]

Hydrostatic stress is isotropic, meaning that it acts the same way in all directions.
{\displaystyle \sigma _{h}\cdot I_{3}=\sigma _{h}\left[{\begin{array}{ccc}1&0&0\\0&1&0\\0&0&1\end{array}}\right]=\left[{\begin{array}{ccc}\sigma _{h}&0&0\\0&\sigma _{h}&0\\0&0&\sigma _{h}\end{array}}\right]}

Under the conservation of angular momentum the moments (with respect to an arbitrary point) from the stresses on the faces must balance, and it becomes clear that the tensor must be symmetric:
{\displaystyle {\begin{aligned}M_{O}&=\int _{S}(\mathbf {r} \times \mathbf {T} )dS+\int _{V}(\mathbf {r} \times \mathbf {F} )dV=0\\0&=\int _{S}\varepsilon _{ijk}x_{j}T_{k}^{(n)}dS+\int _{V}\varepsilon _{ijk}x_{j}F_{k}dV\\\end{aligned}}}

or in simpler terms:
{\displaystyle \sigma _{12}=\sigma _{21}} AND {\displaystyle \sigma _{23}=\sigma _{32}} AND {\displaystyle \sigma _{13}=\sigma _{31}} OR:
{\displaystyle \sigma _{ij}=\sigma _{ji}}

The stress tensor is a fundamental piece of the Cauchy momentum equation, which relates:
the material derivative, {\displaystyle {\frac {D\mathbf {u} }{Dt}}\ [\mathrm {m/s^{2}} ]}
the divergence of the stress tensor, {\displaystyle \nabla \cdot {\boldsymbol {\sigma }}={\begin{bmatrix}{\dfrac {\partial \sigma _{xx}}{\partial x}}+{\dfrac {\partial \sigma _{yx}}{\partial y}}+{\dfrac {\partial \sigma _{zx}}{\partial z}}\\{\dfrac {\partial \sigma _{xy}}{\partial x}}+{\dfrac {\partial \sigma _{yy}}{\partial y}}+{\dfrac {\partial \sigma _{zy}}{\partial z}}\\{\dfrac {\partial \sigma _{xz}}{\partial x}}+{\dfrac {\partial \sigma _{yz}}{\partial y}}+{\dfrac {\partial \sigma _{zz}}{\partial z}}\\\end{bmatrix}}[\mathrm {Pa/m=kg/m^{2}\cdot s^{2}} ]}
density at a point, {\displaystyle \rho \ [\mathrm {kg/m^{3}} ]}
and the accelerations caused by body forces (gravitational acceleration mostly), {\displaystyle \mathbf {f} ={\begin{bmatrix}f_{x}\\f_{y}\\f_{z}\end{bmatrix}}\ [\mathrm {m/s^{2}} ]}

So all put together, a form of the Cauchy Momentum equation:
{\displaystyle {\frac {D\mathbf {u} }{Dt}}={\frac {1}{\rho }}\nabla \cdot {\boldsymbol {\sigma }}+\mathbf {f} }
[further explanations of these terms below]

This describes momentum transport in any continuum (not just fluids), and from the Cauchy Momentum equation, the Navier-Stokes equations can be derived. The N-S equations describe the motion of viscous fluids in continuum mechanics. These equations are fundamental to the field of fluid mechanics (and are of mathematical interest).

Navier-Stokes equations (incompressible form):
{\displaystyle \overbrace {\underbrace {\frac {\partial \mathbf {u} }{\partial t}} _{\begin{smallmatrix}{\text{Variation}}\end{smallmatrix}}+\underbrace {(\mathbf {u} \cdot \nabla )\mathbf {u} } _{\begin{smallmatrix}{\text{Convection}}\end{smallmatrix}}} ^{\text{Inertia (per volume)}}\overbrace {-\underbrace {\nu \,\nabla ^{2}\mathbf {u} } _{\text{Diffusion}}=\underbrace {-\nabla w} _{\begin{smallmatrix}{\text{Internal}}\\{\text{source}}\end{smallmatrix}}} ^{\text{Divergence of stress}}+\underbrace {\mathbf {g} } _{\begin{smallmatrix}{\text{External}}\\{\text{source}}\end{smallmatrix}}.}

This form has been simplified for use with incompressible fluids (like water), and for a Newtonian fluid (fluid with shear stress directly proportional to fluid velocity) like water the diffusion term describes the 'diffusion of momentum' through the fluid. And if the 'external source' describes a conservative field, the internal source (thermodynamic 'specific' work) can be combined with the external source to give hydraulic head pressure, or just the fluid pressure:
{\displaystyle {\frac {\partial \mathbf {u} }{\partial t}}+(\mathbf {u} \cdot \nabla )\mathbf {u} -\nu \,\nabla ^{2}\mathbf {u} =-\nabla h.}

What about the stress tensor? Where is it? From the Cauchy Momentum equation, the stress tensor disappears but yields a direct relationship, through fluid viscosity Î¼, to the rate of change of velocity in each direction, which is a useful and easily measurable / observable quantity in fluid motion:
\tau =\mu {\frac  {\partial u}{\partial y}},

Wikipedia has an excellent description of this constitutive equation:


That's pretty much the point of the stress tensor. It's a very useful concept that under-girds many significant and practical calculations in myriad fields of mechanics from weather models, to fluid mechanical models, to physics engines used in video games.

Descriptions of pieces of the Cauchy Momentum equation
[Material derivative]: describes the rate of change of the velocity field (local velocity of the fluid) in time and space{\displaystyle \partial _{t}\mathbf {u} +\mathbf {u} \cdot \nabla \mathbf {u} }

[divergence of the stress tensor]: describes how the force per unit volume (dimensions and units: 'Pressure / length' SI units are Pa / m = (N / m^2) /m = N / m^3 which gives dimensions 'Force / volume' equivalence) is related to how the stress tensor components change with each direction. This is essentially telling you how the force on a face (per unit volume) is related to how much the stress components on each face are changing in the direction they act.

Saturday, February 15, 2020

Why Calvin?

I was 18.

My dad said something like "you should go to Calvin. I would like it if you went to Calvin, and we will help you."

Calvin College had a chemical engineering program, and at the time I told people that I wanted to study engineering at a Christian college. I told them that. I probably thought it. Probably.

I definitely went to Calvin because it offered chemical engineering, and I probably went because it was a Christian college--I grew up in a Christian community you see.

At this moment [actually a few years ago now], Calvin College is conducting Vision 2029. Vision 2029 is a college-wide program and forum aimed at asking good questions regarding the role and trajectory that Calvin will adopt.

Today I attended the panel discussion: “Will Calvin be a Comprehensive Liberal Arts College or a Liberal Arts University?”

Question that arose were "why Calvin?" and "what makes Calvin distinctive?" and "what are our non-negotiables?" with the required (and hopefully not overlooked) subtext: "what are the preceding for an 18 year old?"

I don't pretend to speak for the rest of 18 year olds in the history of 18 year olds considering Calvin, but for my part, that list contained three items:

1. chemical engineering*
2. attractive (reformed) women**
3. residence in the Christian bubble***

*Ok. Yes. Still very pleased about this one
**"The basis of optimism is sheer terror" --Oscar Wilde
***Not the desire for growth in my faith or a deep connection with Christ--more of a cultural imperative

Fortunately for me, I did attend Calvin despite a less than impressive (and retrospectively embarrassing) rationale.

There are many reasons I count myself fortunate for attending Calvin despite being an idiot 18 year old (many would say still an idiot 28 year old [I wrote this in the fall of 2017 and now return to publish it]). I value:

the paper I wrote (truly, truly) poorly analyzing Biblical themes in the 'Russian Primary Chronicle' for History of the West and the World I,

the physics seminars I attended to earn honors credit, and for which I wrote an insipid description of gravitational lenses in Introductory Physics: Mechanics and Gravity,

the immediate, thoughtful (and truly mind-blowing) criticism of the Bible, and exposure to a diverse body of scholarship and views regarding who Jesus was, as a first-semester freshman taking Biblical Literature and Theology,

attacking (engaging really) secular and Christian philosophy directly, with abandon, and without fear in Fundamental Questions in Philosophy with a man who gave us students dignity and the best example of a Christian intellectual I ever met,

an international internship which had me training, training, and planing about Europe and learning sophisticated industrial organic chemistry development in a foreign language (driving my eventual pursuit of graduate study),

and

a broad, functional knowledge of not just my own discipline of chemical engineering, but the ability to speak and work intelligently and effectively with other engineers and scientists in different fields.

As a senior in high school, I question that any of these would have thrilled me as they do now, even if I could now posit their existence to a past self. I recognize them now, after completing graduate study, and taking up teaching.

I certainly would not have relished the thought that, most importantly, Calvin prepared me well to lose my faith in graduate school. For that I am grateful--putting together the pieces of a shattered mess has given my resurrected faith a life it never had.

Vision 2029 will fail if it only addresses "why Calvin" and "what are our non-negotiables" for parents of prospective students that want them to come here. I believe that everyone will agree with me on that point, but to me it bears crying from the rooftops and not treating as a polite, obvious observation. Calvin was truly transformative for me in the most dramatic way after I left.

However it wasn't transformative in any of the ways I would have wanted it to be, or expected it to be as a prospective student.

We cannot foist perspective onto students, we can only give them the opportunities to earn it themselves--that begins with their introduction to Calvin as high school seniors. I wonder if it will take walking a line between humble self-promotion, and vulnerability rendered salient.

[2020 perspective]
The move to 'university' has been completed. Let's add ", or just calling ourselves a university." to the last sentence.
I just read a flowery and not particularly substantive vision of the university structure written for the internal Calvin community, and all it did was to confirm my bias against an ever expanding corps of college administrators projecting a disconnected vision. The questions posited in the aforementioned panel appear to be foregone conclusions looking back. I still value Calvin and the place it is, but I've been struck lately by a lot of self-congratulation and lip service paid, when simply creating relationships between departments and companies, organizations, etc. doing similar work (as an alternative to saying) pays the real bills to establish community and inclusion and brings value to students.

Thursday, June 20, 2019

Acknowledgment r02

You were cruel to me,

rancorous in singling me out.

As I worked more and more,

in excess of 80 hours each week,

you advised me to seek counseling

instead of treating me with respect;

you contributed to my waking dread

through every sneer and disdainful stare

and howl during weekly face-to-face dress-downs.


I don't know why you needed to treat me

like dirt--if it was the pressure of being

a new faculty member, or the shadows cast

over you by your partner and other young faculty,

or if it was the stress of motherhood in the academy,

but it showed me a wonderful way not to treat

any person I will ever come into contact with,

especially those in my care or supervision.


Investigation capability in spades does not make

one kind or understanding or capable of managing

effectively. I only wish that I had not worked in your lab.

I could have learned what I did with significantly less pain

and without worrying that my confidence would be ruined

forever. A shame you needed to crush my dream with your insecurities.

Wrinkles like these don't quickly smooth--don't fade with time.